A Forever Ladder

April 3, 2023

I feel surrounded by pregnant women. Of all types. Some were planned, prepared for and happily welcomed. Others were unexpected, anxiety-inducing, and a slow burn to excitement. And one is a dear friend of mine who had also been dealing with infertility, who joyously thanked God for the miracle of a pregnancy. Each woman I feel love and gratitude for their blessing. Each woman I smile with. But also, I mourn. I mourn my baby who I would have been almost seven months pregnant with by now. I mourn the ease some of them experienced to get to this point. I mourn the privilege many women have to not even want for it, and to receive anyway. I mourn for other  hurting families who want the veil to open for them so badly.  

The steps in most relationships to have a baby are fairly simple: remove all roadblocks, plan for conception, and boom. Baby! It’s simple cause and effect. But for me, it has been like an endless ladder. I climb rungs of it every month. Every day. I should be getting closer to my goal. Closer to a baby. Instead, I am reminded I have zero control over the outcome of my choices, and must instead put all my faith in God's plan.

So I take steps on the ladder: blood tests, ultrasounds, doctors appointments, LH stick testing, swallowing Musinex pills, laying in bed for 20 minutes after because some sources say it helps, rinse and repeat. Time and time again. When will I see the end? I'm excited to see whats on the other side.

I know it will be beautiful. I know it will be all worth it. I catch glimpses of how sweet my future will surely be when I sneak a glance at Dallin playing with my friend's baby; or when I daydream of baby names and feel pure excitement. 

At an evening seminar with the gifted and inspiring Hannah Neeleman, or Ballerina Farm, she shared a quote I have kept in my heart ever since: "God's plan is so much more exciting than ours!" This gives me so much hope. So much peace. It encourages me to continue being faithful. 

Thinking about the uncertainty of this upcoming summer quickly squashes all heavenly hope, but this quote brings me back to belief. I am hopeful there will be a final ladder rung that I climb. I am hopeful it is near on the horizon! Though is is entangled in harsh vines, and deceiving flowers, I still see a celestial light piercing its way near the top.