July 15, 2024
This is so unlike me. I am 17 weeks pregnant and I have written absolutely nothing about getting, staying and being pregnant. Not a single 2am note on my iphone. I'm not really sure why I have been so hesitant to sit down and write about this experience.
On one hand, I wanted whatever I said to be perfect. I wanted the words on my screen to exactly match what was in my mind. Sometimes after I write I feel like it couldn't have been said in a better way-- that the 12 point Times New Roman paragraph in front of me is exactly what I meant. And that's when I post it. But other times, I just can't seem to get it right. This is a really big story, and I want it to be just right.
When I first got pregnant, four months ago, I felt terrified the pregnancy wouldn't last. I did have a very optimistic view this time, and something definitely felt sure about this baby. But still, I think I was worried about taking pictures, telling people, and writing about it... because what if it didn't last?
I remember last October when I found out I was pregnant at 3.5 weeks. The first thing I wanted to do was take one of those cute "bumpdate" polaroids in the matching underwear set. So a few days later I ordered a Calvin Klein brallette and briefs on Amazon. By the time they arrived at my house a short time later, I had miscarried my baby. Such a small desire taken away from me was actually really hard. I mourned that I didn't even have a polaroid picture to remember the pregnancy by. So. When I found out I was pregnant on April 13th, I took my first bumpdate polaroid the very next day, in the same matching underwear set I had ordered all those months ago. It was really healing.
I had taken three pregnancy tests at this point... all of which were FAINTLY positive. But again, I'd seen this before, even just the last month and it meant nothing. But my period was due that day, and every hour that passed without bleeding was very promising.
The morning of April 12th, I had another positive pregnancy test. I was feeling very crampy, and sore and unsure.
Fast forward 24 hours and its 7:43am on April 13th. The night previous, Dallin and I had bought a ClearBlue digital pregnancy test, and this was going to tell us for sure. By this point, I had over five cheapo pregnancy tests claiming I was indeed pregnant... but (again) I had seen this before and they ended up being false positives. Plus you can never be too sure. So with my potent and ripe morning pee marinating on a stick... there we were. Waiting for the two minutes to be up. Longest two minutes of my life. And as we turned it over together, I saw the words that I was equally excited and terrified to see: Pregnant! It was a very dramatic and surreal moment. I felt like that was exactly what I expected it to say, but also I couldn't believe it actually said that. That afternoon, I called my doctor and started on the two medications that I believe helped my baby stick: baby aspirin and progesterone. Both were going to increase my blood volume to my uterus, and give baby a little boost. I am very grateful for modern medication! A week-ish later I told my family while they were here for my graduation, and then a few days later I had our first ultrasound to confirm the health of the pregnancy. And thus began this next phase of my life: being pregnant.
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