Milk Crusties and Greatest Fears

April 6, 2024

I remember as a young girl sitting on our office swivel chair, definitely made for one person, squeezed between two or three other siblings. We would watch hours of the I'm a Mormon videos on Sunday. It was either that, or watching 17 Miracles for the 17th time (I still can’t get the wolf attack scene out of my mind). Each faithful member of the church would introduce themselves, and their family, and proceed to tell a story of some terrible thing that has happened to them in their life: many were amputees, some had parents pass away at a young age, and others were damaged with some other disability. 

I know this is a really weird thought to have, so bear with me. 

But as I watched these videos, I was often left with the lingering thought: when will something terrible like they happen to me? It seemed like everyone had at least one really hard trial in their lifetime. Except my track record was pretty clean. I lived a very conflict-free childhood.

Well growing up has a way of ignoring a clean track record. 

First, COVID hit during my senior year of highschool! Seriously?! My graduation was walking across a podium, with the audience being a line of cars, and my graduation gift a roll of toilet paper.

Then I got a bad haircut… (bangs circa 1980s)

Then I got told I have anxiety-induced IBS and gastritis. Surely this was my cross to bear. And while this has been a struggle for me, I think I was always mentally prepared for something worse. 

If you would have asked me my greatest fear at any point in my childhood, I would have told you: infertility. That, or accidentally consuming the crusties on the rim of a milk carton. 

I am grateful for the abundance my life has given me. I am grateful for a full (yet messy) fridge, a car, a husband I love, four chickens who adore me, and a supportive family. However, I can’t help but dwell on the fact that I am indeed living my worst fear. 

            I drink lactose free milk now, and the crusties are conveniently not as much of a problem!             So I'm not talking about that one. 

Though I am not categorized as "infertile." I am experiencing "unexplained infertility." Is it just the timing? Perhaps. Is it stress? Also, perhaps. Whatever the underlying cause that apparently no test can identify, I feel like I am living my trial. But I know that is not how God works. He does not plan one trial to perfectly ruin every one of his children's lives. I know he is watching over me in this grief, and blessing me nonetheless. 

My I'm a Mormon video might have been titled a bit like this: I'm a Mormon, Chicken Enthusiast, and I Can't Get Pregnant.

                                                                                            Would you click on that?