The Start of Everything

April 3, 2024

Sometimes it feels like writing everything down is the only way to feel closure to an emotional experience. Like I've been crying, or in deep thought, or experiencing a stupor of thought-- and I write it out and suddenly feel better. 

So much has happened in the last six months, and pretty much every month since October I have wanted to start a blog to document it all. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of reliving it all, and really doing it justice. But I think about this everyday. There are few things that are literally on my mind every single day. I pray for it every night. I shed tears for it more often than I care to admit, and everything reminds me of it. 

Last year around my birthday in August, Dallin and I found ourselves thinking more and more often about when we wanted to have children. We weren't on the exact same timeline, however. I was ready just about right then (as it was exactly nine months out from graduation-- perfect!), and Dallin was more hesitant. I told myself I didn't hold anything against him for not being ready quite yet, and I feel like that was a pretty honest feeling. It was okay that he wasn't ready yet, and I certainly didn't want to pressure him into anything we weren't 100% on. 

One day in early August I was at a bachelorette party, and I met a random girl who I felt oddly drawn to. I didn't even know her name, but I felt the strongest impression I needed to talk to her. I knew she had a son relatively early in her marriage, and felt like I wanted to ask her about her and her husband's decision to be ready for that. I don't remember a lot of the conversation, but I do remember the tears we shared, and the gentle spirit that was present. She expressed to me her love and respect for motherhood, and the overwhelming sense of peace it had brought their relationship. This had been something especially on the forefront of my mind, as Dallin and I had been experiencing an influx of disagreements and arguments. It was refreshing to hear such a positive and optimistic view of early motherhood, and how their baby strengthened their relationship. This was a perspective contrary to what I had been consuming on tiktok and other sources.

 I remember coming home and feeling so energized to tell Dallin everything she had told me. I wished I remembered everything. We sat in the place where so many quarrels, make-ups, apologies, casual conversations, and pivotal discussions had occurred--our hand-me-down couch on the front porch. Here, I tried to recall the special spirit that had been shared between the young mother and I, and the hope that was felt to my sweet husband. I assured him again that it was okay we were on different timelines, and I was willing to wait for him to be 100% ready. He promised to keep me in the loop with how he is feeling (which is a big commitment for my private and stoic husband), and that was that. 

It was only about a month later that he came to me and told me he was ready. I don't really remember this conversation, but I'm sure it was a happy one! We decided to *casually* and *subtly* embark on the journey of "trying for a baby," but proceed with caution. Really all this meant was just not tracking ovulation, and abandoning any form of contraception. 

Side note... at this point I had been off birth control for around five months. During our engagement, I dabbled with birth control pills, which quickly put a sour taste in my mouth with the dramatic effect it had on my mental health. I then researched about the NuvaRing, and determined that would be the best fit. The night before our wedding, my body was quite literally rejecting the birth control, and I had to go to the Health Center for an OB to shove it back up for me. From the beginning, my body seemed to send a strong signal of being anti-hormonal birth control. I half-hazardely adopted the "natural family planning" as my chosen form of birth control. So at the point in early September when Dallin and I agreed to start trying for a baby, it was pretty much as easy as it gets to make that transition. 

So when my period started end of September, I was sad, but I knew we hadn't REALLY been trying, so it didn't really count. I think part of me naively thought that the level of thought put in to trying for a baby contributed to the outcome. If that was true, I would have like six babies haha. 

So my next cycle approaches, and I decide to track ovulation with the cervical mucus method... which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Life around then was pretty simple. Dallin was working full time and in school, I was teaching 6th grade for four weeks and doing BYU classes, and we were living happily. I had a lot of time to think about if I was pregnant or not. 

It feels so crazy to think about my expectations for getting pregnant back then. It wasn't REALLY that long ago, but SO much has happened since. I truly did not know the journey I was about to get thrown into. I did not know the heartbreak that was to come. The numbness. The hopelessness. The fear. The doubt. So much sorrow and sadness was around the corner-- and I was oblivious to it all. 

As I am all too familiar with now, that first intentional "two week wait" was mostly just exciting for me. I have entries on my phone of daily notes I was taking to check in on my body. Every. Single. Twinge. Was documented. 

Then it was Dallin's birthday. October 14, 2023. We had a beautiful day, where I surprised him with an early morning Sailboating class, breakfast, and a party with his family. That night, we were hanging out in the guest room and one of us mentioned that I should take a pregnancy test that night. It was still four days from my period, so testing wasn't super on my mind. But the more we talked it over, the more fun it sounded to find out if I was pregnant on his birthday! In true Dallin and Alysee fashion, we counted down from five and said Yes/No if I should test. We both said Yes. So I took a pregnancy test. 

Standing over that upside down pregnancy test, in intense anticipation of its results, for the first time, was truly exhilarating. I had waited for a moment like that all my life. I had imagined it over and over and over. I think equal parts of me expected it to me positive and negative. I really had no idea. I could imagine both scenarios. 

And then we turned it over. 

And it was positive. Positive! "YES +" was displayed proudly on the screen. A weird thing happened in that moment. My whole life changed. Suddenly, anything even slightly trivial didn't matter anymore. But I also didn't believe it. I wonder now if that was my sub conscience preparing me to not get too excited. It didn't take long for us to make all the plans (mostly how we would tell people). It felt too good to be true.