Birth Anxiety From a First Time Mom

I’m diagnosing myself with a frustrating and detaining disease: preparation paralysis. 

I’m less than 9 weeks away from giving birth, very possibly sooner, and I have just now started to give birth the thought and consideration it deserves. I bought an online birth course months ago,
and told myself I’d watch one lecture a week, so I would be adequately prepared long before the big day. I would know everything there is to know about birth. I would have thought through every scenario and developed responses to every situation I might be put in. 

But my life outside of pregnancy has not gone to plan. At all. We are moving into the basement we’ve been renovating at Dallin’s parents house when I am 8 months pregnant. We are still unemployed. I never got a midwife or doula like I wanted. And I haven’t been able to “nest” or prepare a space for our baby since we have the pending move. 

This morning I finally took the first step, and I logged into my birth course, put it on 1.25x speed, and watched the class. 

I’m not sure what I was expecting. 

I think I thought the class would bring me peace because I was finally preparing for birth. I think I thought feeling educated would take away any nerves I had surrounding the birth. But it in fact did the opposite. Watching the class sent me into an anxious downward spiral that I’m having a difficult time pulling myself from. 

I feel so overwhelmingly scared to give birth. 

I have been so focused on pregnancy, and getting through the extremely challenging days filled with fatigue, nausea and heartburn, that my mind glossed over the fact I have to deliver this child and I have absolutely no idea how. 

The thing is, I don’t think I’m that clueless when it comes to birth. In fact, I would even consider myself a birth junkie. I’ve watched just about every birth vlog there is on YouTube, I’ve written multiple essays about the benefits of unmediated birth both for fun and in college, and I’m pretty confident nothing will completely surprise me when it comes to birth because I’ve at least read about it. 

But for some reason all this knowledge I’ve accumulated over the years suddenly means nothing when I have to be the one to experience it. All I want most in the world right now is to have a glimpse into the future. Well two glimpses. One while I’m in labor, and one right after I’ve given birth. I want to see that I am still okay. And that my baby is okay. And I want to feel a smidgen of the high I know I’ll be on once I’ve done it. 

So please God, can I be granted this wish?